For anyone interested, I was listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3j-wqzacos&feature=PlayList&p=A6D785A4C5518690&index=37 when I wrote the poem, so if you like you can give it a listen because the emotions it evokes (for me at least) are in line with what I was trying to hit.
Run little boys and girls
Run like a rabbit
He's just around the corner
Coming up fast
His teeth upon your throat
His claws upon your breast
All your moments falling in
Oblivion, maybe, you hope to God not
Rather paradise
Or even torture unending
A truth so vague, so fragile
And yet it beckons
That great black nothing
From whence you were wrought
And now before which you tremble
Return to that silence, don't be afraid
It's more what you are then what you are now
Because this day in the spotlight will surely fade
This glimpse at existence, so infinitely strange
What closure could satisfy?
So run little boys and girls
Run like a rabbit
The Fox is coming soon
He's just around the bend
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140,570 Literary Works • 673,474 Reviews
Wow, this is really interesting.
Just reading it made me scared, but curious at the same time, I wanted to find out more, but I had to run. You've packed a lot of emotions into this, and I think you did it very well.
Thanks for posting this.
Keep writing.
~Mo.
Very well written and enjoyable. I like how you were able to keep the poem general enough that people were able to imagine what they were running away from. It was a poem where people were able to paint their own picture in their minds and that is not always easy to do. If I have anything that could help, the first part of the poem sounds a lot lighter and happier then then second. After the first phrase, I thought the poem was going to be fluffy. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the poem was deep and dark and it was a breath of fresh air to see a dark poem that wasn't about someones personal loss or how deep the gashes were in their wrists.
Keep up the good work!
Mr.SpaceMan
Thanks for reading guys, glad everyone liked it! I always appreciate it when people take the time to review. Out of curiosity did anyone happen to check out the song I posted and if so did you think it fit with the tone of the poem?
Hello.
This is a great poem. I don't think I'd change anything.
This has to be my favorite part. I don't really know why; it just sticks in my mind. Something inevitable, yet such a big deal, everyone's afraid.
This is a very deep piece, and I wish I really had more to say about it, but it's given me thoughts that I can't even begin to explain!
Keep up the awesome work!
Fraaaaank,
Keep writing, man.
I haven't reviewed you in so long! I really need to keep a better eye out for your work, because it's always a spark of interest to read.
Here in this poem, I think you're treading solid grounds. On the whole, I feel that it's appreciative, although it's kind of out of my forte of style that I typically enjoy. My opinion on this is that I would have liked to see a smoother flow in this, you know, to kind of guide each line into the next.
In your narrative pattern, you're rigid. You're giving us the lines, and that's it -- elaborate. You have the room, the chance, the ability to, and take it into your hands and use it, because otherwise, you're leaving us with some questions. Like the fox, it's dangerous, obviously, but why? Why are we running? Why can't we turn around and face a fear?
I think you just need to throw a touch more of that into the melting pot, and you'll be good to go! If there's anything else I can help you with, let me know.
Thanks for the read.
June
The reason I used breast instead of chest was just because it's sort of a more formal/classical way of referring to the chest/breast, if you know what I mean. Still I can see what you mean.
I'm glad you liked that one stanza though, because I wasn't really sure how it would sound in someone else's head. Sometimes it's hard to be objective with your own work, especially poetry (for me). Thanks for reviewing!
I liked it. It didn't have a fixed rhythm, but it was rhythmic. It made me feel... like all in this life is for nothing, because the Fox will get me in the end.
But also with that sentiment, it made me want to live fuller, because the Fox is just around the bend.
I get all the diction that you try and use with this piece, and it makes it all the better, but I think that chest is fine to use. Saying the fox has a claw on someone's breast makes this fox seem like some sort of...sexual monster, and it makes it kind of...creepy, and not in a good way. Or maybe you want it to be that kind of creepy. I guess it sort of adds to it...I don't know anymore. My mind is changing while I type! I would use chest instead of breast.
Other than that, it's a nice piece! If I had to pick a favorite line, it'd definetely be...
The combination of paradise, god, and torture in a single stanza is insanely brave, and in the end, it didn't feel like it took away from the piece, or focused it on anything different, yet it mentions some of the biggest topics you could probably ever write about. Very cool stanza, and part of a very good piece. Keep it up!
Hello Francis Michael Buck,
I loved your poem. It was frightening and real and relevant. Very, very nice. In my mind, the Fox was death, chasing me with bared, bloody teeth as I ran. Great job!